• Table of Contents

  • Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)
  • The Big Idea: Marketing Is a Profit Center, Not a Party Trick
  • Step 1: Start With the Math, Not the Mood Board
  • Step 2: Build a Funnel That Doesn’t Leak Like a Sieve
  • Map the Funnel to the Metrics
  • Step 3: Align With Sales or Prepare for Passive-Aggressive Slack Wars
  • Step 4: Stop Worshipping Vanity Metrics
  • Step 5: Build a Brand That Sells, Not Just Smiles
  • Real Talk: The CMO’s Job Is to Drive Growth

Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)

Let’s get one thing straight: marketing isn’t a mystical art practiced by hoodie-wearing wizards whispering to the algorithm gods. It’s not a vibe. It’s not a TikTok dance. It’s not even “going viral” (whatever that means anymore). Marketing is math. It’s strategy. It’s business. And yes, it’s got better fonts than finance, but that doesn’t make it fluff.

If your marketing plan can’t be explained on a whiteboard without someone asking, “But what does this actually do?”—you don’t have a plan. You have a Pinterest board with a budget.

The Big Idea: Marketing Is a Profit Center, Not a Party Trick

Here’s the truth bomb you didn’t know you needed:

“If your CMO can’t talk CAC, LTV, and EBITDA without Googling it, you hired a mascot, not a marketer.”

Marketing is a business function. It should be held to the same standards as sales, ops, and finance. That means measurable outcomes, strategic alignment, and yes—spreadsheets. Beautiful, color-coded, ROI-spitting spreadsheets.

Step 1: Start With the Math, Not the Mood Board

Before you even think about your next campaign, ask yourself:

• What’s our Customer Acquisition Cost (CAC)?
• What’s our Customer Lifetime Value (LTV)?
• What’s our payback period?
• What’s the ROI of our last campaign—and did anyone besides the intern actually track it?

If you don’t know these numbers, you’re not doing marketing. You’re doing hope. And hope is not a strategy—it’s a liability with a Canva subscription.

Step 2: Build a Funnel That Doesn’t Leak Like a Sieve

Most marketing funnels look like someone took a colander and called it a pipeline. Leads go in, and then… nothing. Crickets. Ghost town. The only thing converting is your budget into regret.

Here’s how to fix it:

Map the Funnel to the Metrics

• Top of Funnel (TOFU): Track impressions, reach, and traffic. But don’t stop there—measure qualified traffic. Grandma clicking your ad doesn’t count.
• Middle of Funnel (MOFU): Measure engagement, email signups, demo requests. This is where leads become prospects—or bounce like a bad check.
• Bottom of Funnel (BOFU): Track conversion rates, sales velocity, and close rates. This is where the money lives. Or dies.

Every stage should have a KPI. If it doesn’t, it’s not a funnel—it’s a black hole for your budget.

Step 3: Align With Sales or Prepare for Passive-Aggressive Slack Wars

Marketing and sales should be like peanut butter and jelly—not peanut butter and resentment. If your sales team thinks your leads are garbage, guess what? They’re not wrong until you prove otherwise.

Here’s how to get aligned:

• Define what a qualified lead actually is. Not “anyone with a pulse.”
• Set shared goals. If marketing hits MQLs but sales misses quota, nobody wins.
• Meet weekly. Not to “sync,” but to solve. Bring data. Bring questions. Bring snacks if morale is low.

Alignment isn’t a buzzword—it’s a revenue multiplier. Companies with strong sales and marketing alignment see 208% higher marketing revenue. That’s not a typo. That’s a wake-up call.

Step 4: Stop Worshipping Vanity Metrics

Likes don’t pay the bills. Shares don’t close deals. And impressions? Please. If I had a dollar for every “impression” that didn’t convert, I’d have enough to buy Twitter and shut it down for good.

Here’s what to track instead:

• Cost per Qualified Lead (CPQL)
• Marketing Sourced Revenue
• Pipeline Velocity
• Customer Retention Rate

These are the metrics that matter. Everything else is just noise with a filter.

Step 5: Build a Brand That Sells, Not Just Smiles

Brand isn’t just your logo, your color palette, or that quirky tone of voice you paid an agency $80K to develop. Brand is trust. Brand is reputation. Brand is the reason someone chooses you over the cheaper, louder, shinier option.

But here’s the kicker: brand should drive revenue. If your brand is “fun” but no one buys, you’re not a brand—you’re a meme account with overhead.

Great brands do three things:

• Differentiate: If you sound like everyone else, you’re invisible.
• Resonate: Speak to your customer’s pain, not your product’s features.
• Convert: Make it easy to buy. Not just easy to like.

Real Talk: The CMO’s Job Is to Drive Growth

If you’re a CMO and you’re not in the boardroom talking about revenue, you’re in the wrong room—or the wrong job. Your job isn’t to “make things pretty.” It’s to make things profitable.

That means owning the number. That means knowing your funnel better than your fantasy football stats. That means being the person who