• Table of Contents

  • Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)
  • The Big Lie: “Marketing Is a Creative Field”
  • Step 1: Know Your Numbers Like You Know Your Netflix Password
  • Step 2: Build a Funnel That Doesn’t Leak Like a Sieve
  • Here’s how to fix it:
  • Step 3: Positioning That Doesn’t Sound Like a Buzzword Salad
  • Step 4: Content That Converts (Not Just Impresses Your CMO)
  • Try this instead:
  • Step 5: Test, Learn, Repeat (AKA: Don’t Fall in Love With Your Own Ideas)

Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)

Let’s get one thing straight: marketing isn’t a mystical art practiced by robe-wearing creatives in candlelit rooms. It’s not a Ouija board. It’s not a vibe. It’s not even a TikTok dance (though, yes, we’ve all been tempted). Marketing is math. It’s strategy. It’s systems. And yes, it’s also a killer headline and a font that doesn’t scream “I made this in PowerPoint 2003.”

But somewhere along the way, we let the glitter blind us. We started chasing “brand love” like it was a Tinder match, forgetting that love doesn’t pay the bills—revenue does. So today, we’re going to rip the sequins off the marketing machine and show you how to build a strategy that actually works. No fluff. No fairy dust. Just results (and maybe a few jokes).

The Big Lie: “Marketing Is a Creative Field”

Sure, marketing has creative elements. But calling marketing a “creative field” is like calling a Formula 1 car a “nice paint job.” Creativity is the polish. The engine is data, positioning, and ruthless prioritization.

Here’s the truth bomb:

“Marketing isn’t about being clever. It’s about being clear, consistent, and commercially effective.”

Creativity without strategy is just expensive noise. And if your CMO is spending more time picking Pantone colors than calculating CAC:LTV ratios, you’ve got a problem. (And probably a very pretty brand book.)

Step 1: Know Your Numbers Like You Know Your Netflix Password

If you can’t recite your customer acquisition cost (CAC), lifetime value (LTV), and conversion rates in your sleep, you’re not a marketer—you’re a mascot. Numbers are your compass. Without them, you’re just wandering the woods in a branded hoodie.

• CAC: How much does it cost to acquire a customer? If it’s more than they’re worth, congrats—you’re running a charity.
• LTV: How much revenue does a customer bring over their lifetime? If you don’t know, you’re flying blind.
• Conversion Rate: How many people actually do the thing you want them to do? (Spoiler: it’s usually less than you think.)

Track these. Obsess over them. Tattoo them on your forearm if you have to. Because when the CFO comes knocking, “vibes were high” is not an acceptable answer.

Step 2: Build a Funnel That Doesn’t Leak Like a Sieve

Most marketing funnels are about as watertight as a colander. Leads come in, and then… poof. Gone. Ghosted like a bad Hinge date. Why? Because we focus too much on the top of the funnel (TOFU) and forget that the real money is made in the middle and bottom.

Here’s how to fix it:

• TOFU: Stop chasing vanity metrics. Impressions don’t pay rent. Focus on qualified traffic, not just traffic.
• MOFU: Nurture leads like they’re your grandma’s sourdough starter. Email sequences, retargeting, content that actually educates.
• BOFU: Make it stupid-easy to convert. Clear CTAs. No 12-field forms. No “book a demo” buttons that lead to a black hole.

And for the love of all that is holy, align with sales. If your sales team thinks your leads are garbage, guess what? They probably are.

Step 3: Positioning That Doesn’t Sound Like a Buzzword Salad

“We’re a customer-centric, AI-powered, cloud-native platform revolutionizing the future of work.” Cool. So is everyone else. If your positioning sounds like it was written by ChatGPT on a Red Bull bender, it’s time for a rewrite.

Great positioning is simple, specific, and sharp enough to cut through the noise. It answers three questions:

• Who are you for?
• What problem do you solve?
• Why are you better than the other guys?

Here’s a tip: if your positioning can’t be explained by a sales rep in an elevator ride, it’s too complicated. And if it includes the word “synergy,” you owe me $5.

Step 4: Content That Converts (Not Just Impresses Your CMO)

Content marketing isn’t about showing off how smart you are. It’s about solving problems your audience actually has. If your blog posts read like a TED Talk no one asked for, you’re doing it wrong.

Try this instead:

• Teach, don’t preach: Give away your best thinking. Yes, for free. Yes, even the good stuff.
• Be human: Write like a person, not a press release. Use contractions. Make jokes. Swear a little (strategically).
• Include CTAs: Every piece of content should lead somewhere. Don’t just drop knowledge—drop links.

And please, stop writing for Google’s algorithm like it’s your boss. Write for humans. Google will catch up.

Step 5: Test, Learn, Repeat (AKA: Don’t Fall in Love With Your Own Ideas)

Your campaign isn’t your baby. It’s a hypothesis. And if it doesn’t work, you kill it and try again. That’s not failure—that’s science. (Also, welcome to marketing.)

Set up experiments. A/B test everything. Headlines, CTAs, landing pages, subject lines. If you’re not testing,