• Table of Contents

  • Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)
  • The Myth of the Marketing Unicorn
  • Step 1: Know Your Numbers (Or Die Trying)
  • Step 2: Build a Funnel, Not a Fantasy
  • Step 3: Test Like a Mad Scientist
  • Step 4: Align With Sales or Prepare for War
  • Step 5: Stop Chasing Trends, Start Building Brands

Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)

Let’s get one thing straight: marketing isn’t a mystical art practiced by hoodie-wearing wizards who whisper to algorithms under a full moon. It’s not a vibe. It’s not a TikTok dance. And it sure as hell isn’t “just making things go viral.”

Marketing is math. It’s strategy. It’s business. It’s the science of attention, the psychology of persuasion, and the economics of growth—all dressed up in Helvetica Neue and a killer CTA.

So if you’re still treating your marketing like a slot machine—pull the lever, hope for leads—it’s time for a wake-up call. And I brought the espresso.

The Myth of the Marketing Unicorn

Somewhere along the way, we started believing that great marketing is about finding “the one big idea” that magically explodes across the internet like a cat in a shark costume riding a Roomba. (Yes, that was a thing. No, it didn’t sell anything.)

But here’s the truth bomb:

“Marketing isn’t about magic moments. It’s about consistent, compounding momentum.”

That means building systems, not stunts. Funnels, not fireworks. And yes, spreadsheets—glorious, ROI-revealing spreadsheets.

Step 1: Know Your Numbers (Or Die Trying)

If you can’t tell me your CAC, LTV, and conversion rate by channel, you’re not a marketer—you’re a magician. And not the good kind. The kind who disappears when the board asks about ROI.

Here’s your cheat sheet:

• CAC (Customer Acquisition Cost): How much it costs to get a customer. If it’s higher than your LTV, congrats—you’re paying people to buy from you.
• LTV (Lifetime Value): How much a customer is worth over time. If you don’t know this, you’re flying blind with a bag over your head and a CFO in the backseat.
• Conversion Rate: The percentage of people who do what you want them to do. If it’s under 1%, your funnel is more like a colander.

Track these. Obsess over them. Tattoo them on your forearm if you have to. Because when you know your numbers, you stop guessing—and start scaling.

Step 2: Build a Funnel, Not a Fantasy

Too many marketers are still chasing “awareness” like it’s a KPI. Spoiler alert: it’s not. Awareness without action is just noise. And noise doesn’t pay the bills.

Instead, build a funnel that actually moves people:

• Top of Funnel (TOFU): Attract with value. Think content, SEO, social—stuff that makes people say, “Huh, these folks know their stuff.”
• Middle of Funnel (MOFU): Nurture with relevance. Email sequences, webinars, case studies—anything that builds trust without boring them to death.
• Bottom of Funnel (BOFU): Convert with clarity. Clear offers, strong CTAs, and zero friction. If your checkout process requires a blood sample, you’re doing it wrong.

And for the love of all that is holy, stop calling it a “customer journey” if it looks more like a choose-your-own-adventure book written by a drunk UX designer.

Step 3: Test Like a Mad Scientist

Marketing is not a set-it-and-forget-it crockpot. It’s a lab. And you’re the slightly unhinged scientist in a lab coat, running A/B tests like your bonus depends on it. (Because it does.)

Here’s what to test:

• Subject lines (yes, “Quick question” still works—don’t ask why)
• Landing page headlines (make it punchy, not poetic)
• CTAs (change “Learn More” to “Steal This Strategy” and watch the clicks roll in)
• Ad creative (your audience is tired of stock photos of handshakes—so are we)

And when you find a winner? Double down. Then test again. Because what worked last month might flop next week. Algorithms are fickle beasts.

Step 4: Align With Sales or Prepare for War

If your marketing and sales teams are still throwing leads over the fence like it’s a game of dodgeball, you’ve got bigger problems than your click-through rate.

Alignment isn’t a buzzword—it’s a business imperative. Here’s how to make it happen:

• Shared definitions: What’s a lead? What’s an MQL? If you don’t agree, you’re not aligned—you’re arguing in different languages.
• Shared goals: Tie marketing KPIs to revenue, not vanity metrics. No one cares how many likes your post got if the pipeline is dry.
• Shared tools: Use the same CRM, dashboards, and data. If marketing is in HubSpot and sales is in Salesforce, you’re basically playing telephone with a fax machine.

When marketing and sales work together, magic happens. Real magic. The kind that ends in closed deals and champagne, not confusion and finger-pointing.

Step 5: Stop Chasing Trends, Start Building Brands

Yes, Threads is shiny. Yes, AI is hot. Yes, someone on your team wants to start a podcast called “The Future of Synergy.”

But here’s the thing: trends fade. Brands endure.

If your strategy changes every time a new platform launches, you don’t