• Table of Contents

  • Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)
  • The Big Idea: Marketing Is a Profit Center, Not a Party Trick
  • Step 1: Build a Funnel That Doesn’t Leak Like a Sieve
  • The Math-First Funnel Framework™
  • Step 2: Align With Sales or Prepare for Passive-Aggressive Slack Wars
  • Step 3: Stop Worshipping Vanity Metrics
  • Step 4: Brand Still Matters—But It’s Not a Free Pass
  • Real Talk: The CMO Role Is Changing—Adapt or Get Replaced by a Spreadsheet

Marketing Isn’t Magic—It’s Math (With Better Fonts)

Let’s get one thing straight: marketing isn’t a mystical art practiced by robe-wearing creatives who chant “engagement” under a full moon. It’s not a vibe. It’s not a feeling. It’s not your intern’s TikTok strategy. Marketing is math. It’s logic. It’s business. And yes, it just happens to wear better fonts than finance.

Too many CMOs are still selling “brand awareness” like it’s a timeshare in 2006. Meanwhile, the CFO is in the corner asking, “But what did we get for that $2 million campaign besides a Cannes Lion and a hangover?”

The Big Idea: Marketing Is a Profit Center, Not a Party Trick

Here’s your truth bomb, gift-wrapped and ready to detonate:

“If your marketing doesn’t move the business needle, it’s not marketing—it’s expensive decoration.”

We’re not here to make things look pretty. We’re here to make things sell. And if you want to be taken seriously in the boardroom, you need to speak the language of revenue, not rainbows.

Step 1: Build a Funnel That Doesn’t Leak Like a Sieve

Let’s talk funnels. Not the kind you use at a frat party. The kind that turns strangers into leads, leads into customers, and customers into evangelists who tattoo your logo on their biceps (or at least leave a nice review).

The Math-First Funnel Framework™

• Top of Funnel (TOFU): Awareness. But not the “spray and pray” kind. Targeted, measurable, and tied to cost-per-click like your bonus depends on it (because it should).
• Middle of Funnel (MOFU): Consideration. Nurture leads with content that doesn’t suck. Think less “whitepaper from 2009” and more “Netflix binge but for B2B.”
• Bottom of Funnel (BOFU): Conversion. This is where the money lives. If your BOFU content doesn’t make your sales team weep with joy, start over.

Track every stage. Know your conversion rates like you know your coffee order. If you can’t tell me your CAC, LTV, and ROAS without checking your notes, you’re not a CMO—you’re a mascot.

Step 2: Align With Sales or Prepare for Passive-Aggressive Slack Wars

Marketing and sales should be like peanut butter and jelly. Instead, most companies have peanut butter and… drywall. No flavor. No synergy. Just friction.

Here’s how to fix it:

• Shared KPIs: If marketing is measured on MQLs and sales is measured on revenue, you’re playing two different games. Align your goals or enjoy the finger-pointing Olympics.
• SLAs: Service Level Agreements aren’t just for IT. Define what a qualified lead looks like, how fast sales will follow up, and what happens when someone drops the ball.
• Weekly Syncs: Not “check-ins.” Real meetings with data, dashboards, and decisions. Bonus points if someone brings donuts.

When marketing and sales are aligned, magic happens. Pipeline grows. Deals close faster. And your CEO stops asking if you “do the social media.”

Step 3: Stop Worshipping Vanity Metrics

Likes are not leads. Impressions are not income. And if your dashboard looks like a teenager’s Instagram feed, we need to talk.

Here’s what actually matters:

• Customer Acquisition Cost (CAC): How much are you spending to get a customer? If it’s more than their first purchase, congrats—you’re running a charity.
• Lifetime Value (LTV): How much will that customer spend over time? If you don’t know, you’re flying blind with a Gucci blindfold.
• Return on Ad Spend (ROAS): For every dollar you spend, how many come back? If the answer is “we’re not sure,” you’re not marketing—you’re gambling.

Track these. Obsess over them. Tattoo them on your forearm if you have to. Because these are the numbers that get you a seat at the grown-up table.

Step 4: Brand Still Matters—But It’s Not a Free Pass

Yes, brand matters. But it’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card for campaigns that don’t convert. Your brand is your reputation in the market. It’s the trust you build. The promise you keep. And yes, the vibe you give off—but only if that vibe leads to revenue.

Great brands do three things:

• They’re consistent: Across every channel, every touchpoint, every awkward webinar intro.
• They’re differentiated: If your brand sounds like everyone else’s, congratulations—you’re invisible.
• They’re valuable: Not just emotionally, but financially. A strong brand lowers CAC and increases LTV. That’s not fluff—that’s finance.

So yes, invest in brand. But make sure it’s not just a pretty logo and a manifesto that sounds like it was written by a poet on mushrooms. Make it mean something. Make it sell something.

Real Talk: The CMO Role Is Changing—Adapt or Get Replaced by a Spreadsheet

The modern CMO isn’t just a creative lead. You’re a growth architect. A data junkie. A revenue whisperer. If you can’t tie your work to business outcomes, someone else will—probably someone with “RevOps” in their title and a disturbing